Sunday, December 23, 2007
10 Husbands And Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”“What?” said the puzzled groom.“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
HRD Notice Of A Company To All Employees
[ A circular was found in one of the office notice boards ]
Dear STAFF ,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
TRANSPORTATION :
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda , we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee). - They are called SUNDAYs .
LUNCH BREAK :
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS :
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.
SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. - Important Note : Charges applicable as RM0.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection. Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Best regards,
HRD
Dear STAFF ,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
TRANSPORTATION :
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda , we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee). - They are called SUNDAYs .
LUNCH BREAK :
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS :
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.
SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. - Important Note : Charges applicable as RM0.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection. Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Best regards,
HRD
10 Easy Arithmetic Tricks
Math can be terrifying for many people. This list will hopefully improve your general knowledge of mathematical tricks and your speed when you need to do math in your head.
1. The 11 Times Trick
We all know the trick when multiplying by ten - add 0 to the end of the number, but did you know there is an equally easy trick for multiplying a two digit number by 11? This is it:
Take the original number and imagine a space between the two digits (in this example we will use 52:
5_2
Now add the two numbers together and put them in the middle:
5_(5+2)_2
That is it - you have the answer: 572.
If the numbers in the middle add up to a 2 digit number, just insert the second number and add 1 to the first:
9_(9+9)_9
(9+1)_8_9
10_8_9
1089 - It works every time.
2. Quick Square
If you need to square a 2 digit number ending in 5, you can do so very easily with this trick. Mulitply the first digit by itself + 1, and put 25 on the end. That is all!
252 = (2x(2+1)) & 25
2 x 3 = 6
625
3. Multiply by 5
Most people memorize the 5 times tables very easily, but when you get in to larger numbers it gets more complex - or does it? This trick is super easy.
Take any number, then divide it by 2 (in other words, halve the number). If the result is whole, add a 0 at the end. If it is not, ignore the remainder and add a 5 at the end. It works everytime:
2682 x 5 = (2682 / 2) & 5 or 0
2682 / 2 = 1341 (whole number so add 0)
13410
Let’s try another:
5887 x 5
2943.5 (fractional number (ignore remainder, add 5)
29435
4. Multiply by 9
This one is simple - to multiple any number between 1 and 9 by 9 hold both hands in front of your face - drop the finger that corresponds to the number you are multiplying (for example 9×3 - drop your third finger) - count the fingers before the dropped finger (in the case of 9×3 it is 2) then count the numbers after (in this case 7) - the answer is 27.
5. Multiply by 4
This is a very simple trick which may appear obvious to some, but to others it is not. The trick is to simply multiply by two, then multiply by two again:
58 x 4 = (58 x 2) + (58 x 2) = (116) + (116) = 232
6. Calculate a Tip
If you need to leave a 15% tip, here is the easy way to do it. Work out 10% (divide the number by 10) - then add that number to half its value and you have your answer:
15% of $25 = (10% of 25) + ((10% of 25) / 2)
$2.50 + $1.25 = $3.75
7. Tough Multiplication
If you have a large number to multiply and one of the numbers is even, you can easily subdivide to get to the answer:
32 x 125, is the same as:16 x 250 is the same as:8 x 500 is the same as:4 x 1000 = 4,000
8. Dividing by 5
Dividing a large number by five is actually very simple. All you do is multiply by 2 and move the decimal point:
195 / 5
Step 1: 195 * 2 = 390Step2: Move the decimal: 39.0 or just 39
2978 / 5
step 1: 2978 * 2 = 5956Step2: 595.6
9. Subtracting from 1,000
To subtract a large number from 1,000 you can use this basic rule: subtract all but the last number from 9, then subtract the last number from 10:
1000-648
Step 1: subtract 6 from 9 = 3step2: subtract 4 from 9 = 5step3: subtract 8 from 10 = 2
answer: 352
10. Assorted Multiplication Rules
Multiply by 5: Multiply by 10 and divide by 2.Multiply by 6: Sometimes multiplying by 3 and then 2 is easy.Multiply by 9: Multiply by 10 and subtract the original number.Multiply by 12:
Multiply by 10 and add twice the original number.Multiply by 13: Multiply by 3 and add 10 times original number.Multiply by 14: Multiply by 7 and then multiply by 2Multiply by 15:
Multiply by 10 and add 5 times the original number, as above.Multiply by 16: You can double four times, if you want to. Or you can multiply by 8 and then by 2.Multiply by 17: Multiply by 7 and add 10 times original number.Multiply by 18: Multiply by 20 and subtract twice the original number (which is obvious from the first step).Multiply by 19: Multiply by 20 and subtract the original number.Multiply by 24: Multiply by 8 and then multiply by 3.Multiply by 27: Multiply by 30 and subtract 3 times the original number (which is obvious from the first step).Multiply by 45: Multiply by 50 and subtract 5 times the original number (which is obvious from the first step).Multiply by 90: Multiply by 9 (as above) and put a zero on the right.Multiply by 98:
Multiply by 100 and subtract twice the original number.Multiply by 99: Multiply by 100 and subtract the original number.
Bonus: Percentages
Yanni in comment 23 gave an excellent tip for working out percentages, so I have taken the liberty of duplicating it here:
Find 7 % of 300. Sound Difficult?
Percents: First of all you need to understand the word “Percent.” The first part is PER , as in 10 tricks per listverse page. PER = FOR EACH. The second part of the word is CENT, as in 100.
Like Century = 100 years. 100 CENTS in 1 dollar… etc. Ok… so PERCENT = For Each 100.
So, it follows that 7 PERCENT of 100, is 7. (7 for each hundred, of only 1 hundred).8 % of 100 = 8. 35.73% of 100 = 35.73But how is that useful??
Back to the 7% of 300 question. 7% of the first hundred is 7. 7% of 2nd hundred is also 7, and yep, 7% of the 3rd hundred is also 7. So 7+7+7 = 21.
If 8 % of 100 is 8, it follows that 8% of 50 is half of 8 , or 4.
Break down every number that’s asked into questions of 100, if the number is less then 100, then move the decimal point accordingly.
EXAMPLES:8%200 = ? 8 + 8 = 16.8%250 = ? 8 + 8 + 4 = 20.8%25 = 2.0 (Moving the decimal back).15%300 = 15+15+15 =45.15%350 = 15+15+15+7.5 = 52.5
Also it’s usefull to know that you can always flip percents, like 3% of 100 is the same as 100% of 3.
35% of 8 is the same as 8% of 35.
1. The 11 Times Trick
We all know the trick when multiplying by ten - add 0 to the end of the number, but did you know there is an equally easy trick for multiplying a two digit number by 11? This is it:
Take the original number and imagine a space between the two digits (in this example we will use 52:
5_2
Now add the two numbers together and put them in the middle:
5_(5+2)_2
That is it - you have the answer: 572.
If the numbers in the middle add up to a 2 digit number, just insert the second number and add 1 to the first:
9_(9+9)_9
(9+1)_8_9
10_8_9
1089 - It works every time.
2. Quick Square
If you need to square a 2 digit number ending in 5, you can do so very easily with this trick. Mulitply the first digit by itself + 1, and put 25 on the end. That is all!
252 = (2x(2+1)) & 25
2 x 3 = 6
625
3. Multiply by 5
Most people memorize the 5 times tables very easily, but when you get in to larger numbers it gets more complex - or does it? This trick is super easy.
Take any number, then divide it by 2 (in other words, halve the number). If the result is whole, add a 0 at the end. If it is not, ignore the remainder and add a 5 at the end. It works everytime:
2682 x 5 = (2682 / 2) & 5 or 0
2682 / 2 = 1341 (whole number so add 0)
13410
Let’s try another:
5887 x 5
2943.5 (fractional number (ignore remainder, add 5)
29435
4. Multiply by 9
This one is simple - to multiple any number between 1 and 9 by 9 hold both hands in front of your face - drop the finger that corresponds to the number you are multiplying (for example 9×3 - drop your third finger) - count the fingers before the dropped finger (in the case of 9×3 it is 2) then count the numbers after (in this case 7) - the answer is 27.
5. Multiply by 4
This is a very simple trick which may appear obvious to some, but to others it is not. The trick is to simply multiply by two, then multiply by two again:
58 x 4 = (58 x 2) + (58 x 2) = (116) + (116) = 232
6. Calculate a Tip
If you need to leave a 15% tip, here is the easy way to do it. Work out 10% (divide the number by 10) - then add that number to half its value and you have your answer:
15% of $25 = (10% of 25) + ((10% of 25) / 2)
$2.50 + $1.25 = $3.75
7. Tough Multiplication
If you have a large number to multiply and one of the numbers is even, you can easily subdivide to get to the answer:
32 x 125, is the same as:16 x 250 is the same as:8 x 500 is the same as:4 x 1000 = 4,000
8. Dividing by 5
Dividing a large number by five is actually very simple. All you do is multiply by 2 and move the decimal point:
195 / 5
Step 1: 195 * 2 = 390Step2: Move the decimal: 39.0 or just 39
2978 / 5
step 1: 2978 * 2 = 5956Step2: 595.6
9. Subtracting from 1,000
To subtract a large number from 1,000 you can use this basic rule: subtract all but the last number from 9, then subtract the last number from 10:
1000-648
Step 1: subtract 6 from 9 = 3step2: subtract 4 from 9 = 5step3: subtract 8 from 10 = 2
answer: 352
10. Assorted Multiplication Rules
Multiply by 5: Multiply by 10 and divide by 2.Multiply by 6: Sometimes multiplying by 3 and then 2 is easy.Multiply by 9: Multiply by 10 and subtract the original number.Multiply by 12:
Multiply by 10 and add twice the original number.Multiply by 13: Multiply by 3 and add 10 times original number.Multiply by 14: Multiply by 7 and then multiply by 2Multiply by 15:
Multiply by 10 and add 5 times the original number, as above.Multiply by 16: You can double four times, if you want to. Or you can multiply by 8 and then by 2.Multiply by 17: Multiply by 7 and add 10 times original number.Multiply by 18: Multiply by 20 and subtract twice the original number (which is obvious from the first step).Multiply by 19: Multiply by 20 and subtract the original number.Multiply by 24: Multiply by 8 and then multiply by 3.Multiply by 27: Multiply by 30 and subtract 3 times the original number (which is obvious from the first step).Multiply by 45: Multiply by 50 and subtract 5 times the original number (which is obvious from the first step).Multiply by 90: Multiply by 9 (as above) and put a zero on the right.Multiply by 98:
Multiply by 100 and subtract twice the original number.Multiply by 99: Multiply by 100 and subtract the original number.
Bonus: Percentages
Yanni in comment 23 gave an excellent tip for working out percentages, so I have taken the liberty of duplicating it here:
Find 7 % of 300. Sound Difficult?
Percents: First of all you need to understand the word “Percent.” The first part is PER , as in 10 tricks per listverse page. PER = FOR EACH. The second part of the word is CENT, as in 100.
Like Century = 100 years. 100 CENTS in 1 dollar… etc. Ok… so PERCENT = For Each 100.
So, it follows that 7 PERCENT of 100, is 7. (7 for each hundred, of only 1 hundred).8 % of 100 = 8. 35.73% of 100 = 35.73But how is that useful??
Back to the 7% of 300 question. 7% of the first hundred is 7. 7% of 2nd hundred is also 7, and yep, 7% of the 3rd hundred is also 7. So 7+7+7 = 21.
If 8 % of 100 is 8, it follows that 8% of 50 is half of 8 , or 4.
Break down every number that’s asked into questions of 100, if the number is less then 100, then move the decimal point accordingly.
EXAMPLES:8%200 = ? 8 + 8 = 16.8%250 = ? 8 + 8 + 4 = 20.8%25 = 2.0 (Moving the decimal back).15%300 = 15+15+15 =45.15%350 = 15+15+15+7.5 = 52.5
Also it’s usefull to know that you can always flip percents, like 3% of 100 is the same as 100% of 3.
35% of 8 is the same as 8% of 35.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
wonderful note
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something quite eloquent . Yet so true. Irony that sometime it takes someone to thread through hell before cherishing the peace he could have had - goes the same with the whole world!
A wonderful note by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of
quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nthing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entirelife, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-George Carlin
A wonderful note by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of
quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nthing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entirelife, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-George Carlin
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